Here we go, kids! It's finally time!

Unfortunately, I can't give the occasion the attention it deserves, because I am just too distractible.

But it is my blogging anniversary (yesterday) so now is the only appropriate time.

This Bravejournal Blog is henceforth going out of service. Although the entries will always be here (until they get wiped out without my knowledge like what happened to my AOL Journal), if you want new and exciting Valerie-isms, head on over to http://valsgalore.blogspot.com and see what I have to share in a new and exciting format.

Cheers!

...But they tend to have bad websites...

One thing that has always mystified me is the number of people who try to spell my name Valarie...even though I have never heard of an actual person whose name was spelled like that!

Today, in a successful attempt to avoid doing actual work, I decided to search for these elusive Valaries. They do exist! They do!

Mostly what you see is Baby-Book entries explaining the meaning of the name--which is the same as the meaning of Valerie--and misspellings of pop-culture references to Valerie, such as the YouTube video of Amy Winehouse's song, which is not very good.

The first real Valarie found by Google is dead. She was probably murdered by her boyfriend.

One is a jazz flutist. Jazz is bad, and so is her website.

One is a children's author who appears to have published one book. Her website is also nothing to get excited about.

Finally something exciting pops up as the 7th result (excluding local businesses)--Valarie's Place restaurant, which sells boring food but looks kind of interesting. Though I'm not wild about the kerning in their logotype, I at least enjoy the color scheme and site layout. If I'm ever in Sea Isle City, New Jersey, I'll be sure to stop in!

Valarie is also a third-generation Sikh American who has not updated her blog since January, as well as the owner (possibly?) of a confusing (and bad) two-page website about a yoga book.

With all this Valarie-related misfortune and mediocrity to consider, I'm sure glad my name's spelled "Valerie." And I'm sure glad I wasted a half-hour doing all that research.

You know you've arrived when people start stealing your artwork on the Internet.

The image on this page (of the glass bottle, plastic bottle, and aluminum can) is something I made for CRI and put on their website.

So could I sue for copyright infringement? Actually, I don't think I should do that, since I stole the image of the plastic bottle from the Internet myself.

I guess I'll just gloat about how I'm now a world-famous artist.

Later, when my work starts getting stolen by people who are a little more environmentally friendly than the evil avatars of the petroleum industry, then I'll really have something to be proud of.

This morning, my hometown made the front page of the Washington Post! Its distinction? An exceptional rate of unemployment. Good to know that I come from such an illustrious city.

In happier news, it seems that Baskin Robbins is now selling soft-serve, which means I can finally get the kind of mix-in laden ice cream creations that are probably the one good thing about my illustrious city that Maryland has been lacking.

In other news, I thought today was my last class, but it turns out I will be going again next Saturday to hand in some final revisions on a project. This seems to be happening a lot lately--I think something's over when it's really not. When is it going to start working in my favor?

That's all for now. I have lots of time on my hands (the plans fizzled), so I might come back and fill this space with more useless thoughts later.

I think it's high time to leave the realm of sarcastic commentary on what is wrong with all the people I'm too chicken to confront, and talk about something relatively harmless. It's been a long time since I wrote a non-preachy, non-whiny, straight-up entry about "my day." Mostly that's because my days in the recent past have either been depressingly boring or just plain depressing or too good to jinx by writing about them.

Today, however, I was pretty stable. Yes, it's only 7:00, but that means only four hours until bedtime, and I have not yet cried or done anything reckless. It seems safe to share how I spent my time up til now.

I woke up this morning and lolled around in bed for an unknown amount of time, ruminating, talking to God, and finally getting up at 8. My plan was to do as I do most mornings and exercise a little before taking a shower and getting on with my day. But I was feeling kind of icky as a result of eating too much right before bed, so I skipped the quasi-workout and got started on my schoolwork.

Schoolwork consisted of the relatively mindless task of mounting all my finished projects on mat board. Today was a good day to engage in a mindless task; lately I haven't been very good at thinking, but doing something so easy so early in the morning was pleasant. It was also pleasant that I finished before 10! Never before have I been ready for Saturday class so early on Friday! Tomorrow is my last class until next January, and it should be an easy one. We are having our final presentations, and I've heard rumors that there will be pizza.

After the classwork, I did my monthly vacuuming of the upstairs and had a shower. I gave away to a fellow Freecycler something that had been needlessly cluttering my life. Then I commenced work--that is, the various administrative tasks that are involved with working for my nonprofit. We had received some donations, so I decided that since I hadn't gotten any exercise yet, I should walk the checks to the bank. I did.

I decided to try out my phone's multimedia capabilities on the way. Since my mp3 player is kind of flaky (sometimes it will not turn on, and I can't figure out why), I decided to see how my phone would work as an mp3 player. It's not bad (though it tends to cut off the first second of tracks), and the bonuses are that I will be able to listen to audiobooks even when I don't have my tote bag with me (because I always kept the mp3 player in the bag, but I have to carry the phone at all times), and I won't miss any calls due to having headphones on, which frequently happens and would happen more if people ever called me (whine, whine).

I made it to the bank and waited in a very long line to deposit the checks, and then I went to Giant, where I received a phone call! A social phone call! Unfortunately I wasn't playing mp3's at the time, so I wasn't able to test how my phone handles that sort of conflict, but the call resulted in me finally having plans for Saturday! Ah, life is not so sad now.

I left Giant. I had planned to go to my bank next to deposit a check of mine, but somehow the excitement of having plans, or maybe the fact that I was still obsessing over the sadder facts of life, caused me to pass my bank without stopping in. As I was crossing the Shell parking lot, some guy in a van called me over to talk. I don't know what his motivation was. Usually people who stop me while I'm walking want to offer me a ride, but he didn't. He just wanted to chat, apparently. I told him I work at MOM, and he said he'd stop in. I forgot to mention I only work 3 days a week, and his chances of actually seeing me there are pretty slim. Well, that was bizarre, but it's still nice to know that random strangers think I'm worth talking to.

I got back home without any further incident. I was supposed to get right back to work, but instead I decided to use my phone's multimedia capabilities again--this time to look up these 2 unidentified songs that I'd been wondering about forever. I found them! It took me a long time -  involving not only the phone but 4 music downloading sites, one music search engine, and Google, because I was looking for a specific mix in which one song follows the other - but I got it! Now my compulsive need to have accurate artist and album information on my mp3s has finally been met.

Then I really got back to work. That was kind of boring, but, inspired by listening to all these dance songs in my search for the right mix, I turned on Pandora to Sandstorm Radio. It was amazing! I liked every song that played! If you share my taste in techno/trance/super-awesome dance music, you should try it! I wasn't in a bad mood when I started, but I was definitely in a good mood by the time I quit at 6:30. Then I was finally motivated enough to exercise, so I did my 20-minute workout on my bike and read a cheesy fantasy novel.

And that's all. My next task was to check my email (none. Whine, whine) and then write this blog entry! It was long. I bet you're glad I started at 7 and didn't wait until bedtime. Thanks for reading. I hope your day was as undepressing as mine.



OK, OK...I couldn't resist one little jewel of passive aggression. I really enjoy telling people, "You're being an impatient pain in the neck," by saying, "Thanks for your patience."

So as you all know, I'd rather die a thousand deaths (by something quick and painless but maybe not by strangulation) than make a cold call.

What I've recently rediscovered is how much I also hate incoming calls--of the business sort. I never mind receiving a personal call at almost any time of day or night, but I despise getting interrupted while I'm working by someone who wants me to work on something else. Unfortunately, many of the people I work with professionally seem to be in love with phones. I am sure this is because they don't know the Proper Way to make a phone call. I'm sure that if they did, they would finally understand what an inefficient system the telephone is, and resort to an email-only society.

Following these steps are mandatory when you are calling potential employers, potential boyfriends, and people you want to ask favors of, but it can also come in handy when you just feel like chatting with a friend. Please note that some of these steps work especially well when you are using a touch-screen cell phone, but they are equally effective with a traditional phone.

How to make a phone call

1. Pick up the phone.
2. Stare at the screen wondering if now is really an appropriate time to make this call.
3. Lie down.
4. Wonder if maybe you should wait a couple of hours.
5. Decide to do it now and turn the phone over and over in your hand trying to build up the courage to make the call. If you are calling a new number, type the numbers and skip to step 8.
   
6. Accidentally push the button for your contact list and figure now that it's open, you might as well call.
7. Scroll to the person you wish to call.
8. Stare at the screen some more, imagining all the possible scenarios that could unfold once you make the call.
9. Rehearse what you are going to say if the person answers the phone.
10. Develop some witty, confident-sounding message to leave if you get voice mail.
11. Plan ways to console yourself should your call get ignored (you can tell it's ignored because it'll only ring one or two times before it goes to voice mail, rather than the conventional five)
12. Plan ways to console yourself should the person answer but cut the call short.
13. Plan what you are going to do after the call is over, because you'll be so stressed out afterwards that you'll need a lot of structured activities to keep you from having a nervous breakdown.
14. Wonder if maybe you should just call tomorrow.
15.  Finally get the courage to call and resolutely press Send.
16. Realize that you didn't actually press Send--you pressed Edit, and you still haven't made the call.
17.  Lose the courage. Let the phone fall to your chest and press it to your heart, where, like a defibrillator, it will infuse you with new life. Or stop your pacemaker and kill you instantly.
    
18. Meditate on how being dead would definitely save you from having to make phone calls.
19. Think about all the reasons the callee could have to not want to talk to you, and conclude that you are a loser.
20. Daydream. This cannot be a daydream about actually executing a successful phone call. It has to be about something totally unrelated.
21.  Pick up the phone again and turn on the screen, which has gone black from inactivity.
22. Review all the steps you've already completed. You're really getting somewhere!
23. Decide to call tomorrow, and put down the phone, but feel so guilty about chickening out that you don't get up to do anything else.
24. Repeat steps 22 and 23 as many times as needed until you reach step 25.
25. Accidentally push Send.
26. Panic. Start sweating and double your heart rate.
27. When the callee answers, or when voice mail picks up, instantly forget everything that you planned to say.
28. Yammer some adrenaline-charged nonsense in an unnatural tone and scare the bejabers out of the person you have called.
29. Somehow manage to conclude the conversation and hang up the phone, hand shaking
30. Eat lots of chocolate. You deserve it.
    

I wrote a whole test on this topic and I encourage you to take it. But if you want rapid enlightenment, feel free to read this little essay on two of the most annoying things customers do at grocery stores.

1) Asking the cashier, "Are you open?"

I know this query seems simple and harmless, but as a cashier, I can say with absolute authority that it's annoying as just about anything you could say. I have spent a good deal of time pondering why I feel like exploding when I hear this question, and here are just a few of the reasons I've come up with:

I am not a door. I know I bear certain resemblance to one, what with the hinges sticking out of my forehead, but the truth is, I'm not one. "I" am physically incapable of being "open." I can be metaphorically open, as in honest and truthful, but customers are not asking me about my level of forthrightness. They're asking me if my checkout lane is open! So why don't they just ask that and save me a lot of grief?

I am also not a robot. Common courtesy dictates that people treat me like a human. And that includes greeting me. Would it kill people to squeeze out a friendly "hello?" Heck, I'll even settle for a polite "Excuse me." But why do people think it's okay to start an interrogation without even trying to catch my attention first?


2) Ask the employees for medical advice.

This is a rampant problem at the organic food store where I work. People seem to think that because we sell foods that are allegedly healthy, we are all experts on what you should eat to be healthy--and what you should eat to cure every health problem in existence. This practice is not only immensely annoying to me, but it's immensely stupid on the part of the customer. Would you trust a minimum-wage floor-sweeper to plan your diet for you?

Excuse me while I wax philosophical.

I've been pretty unstable the past few days. Mostly it had to do with the usual suspects--my various social failings and the inevitability of loss, but some of it was unexplainable. I was feeling pursued. Hunted by sadness. Eventually I couldn't outrun it anymore and yesterday afternoon had a good, unprovoked cry down by the creek in our neighborhood, effectively ending my 2-and-a-half-month dry spell (If you don't know my crying habits, you should be advised that that's an extremely long time for me). There's something really gratifying about crying by a creek--completely unlike crying in your room. It gives you a sense of closure. But I wasn't done yet.

This morning, for no reason I could figure out, I was panicky, restless, and unable to eat without becoming even more so. I've noticed a pattern when I'm feeling like this. It means I'm teetering on the edge. If something good happens, I'll have the time of my life. If something bad happens, I'll break down in a hysterical crying fit. And if nothing happens, I'll keep worrying and panicking until I can no longer take it, then I'll shut down and become despondent.

Well, I waited a couple of hours. I chatted online. I sort of flightily did my work. I finished the laundry. Nothing good happened. Nothing bad happened. Since the weather was nice and since I couldn't concentrate on any sit-down job, I decided to try to burn off the paranoia with a walk in the park. Normally this doesn't work. I feel OK as long as I'm walking, but as soon as I stop, the black clouds gather again. But I keep trying. I had to do something.

It was a good walk. At first I thought I'd hike around the perimeter trail until I was exhausted (physical exhaustion tending to beat out emotional exhaustion), but I reconsidered after I estimated it to be over 10 miles long. I just checked and it's really only 5.3 miles. I don't know how I measured so badly, but I'm glad I did, because I was then inspired to be daring. I decided to go off the beaten path and follow the creek around its little bend and come back to my car along the main road.

While I was walking, I was reminded of so many things. I was reminded of the times when I was a lonely adolescent exploring our woods by myself, imagining myself a great explorer or exile, someone with a much more interesting life than my own. I was reminded over and over again of Mohican State Park. So many good things happened at Mohican. I was reminded of the days when Tiffany and various others would go with me to the park instead of church some Sundays, to meet with God among his trees.

Today I went to my own Church of the Park--finding a bit of solace in the efforts of maneuvering past thornbushes and mud patches, marveling at the skunk cabbages growing in a swampy part of the hillside, the fallen tree with a root system as flat as a pancake.

And then I had my epiphany! I leapt off of a bank onto what looked like a solid sandbar, and found myself ankle-deep in mud! Woohoo! That was what I needed! The surprise to jolt me out of my state of strange. After that I was free to slog through the mud completely unencumbered by thoughts of keeping my feet dry. I scrambled over banks and through little tiny fords with absolute liberty. And I felt back to normal! Ha! I will not be despondent today! No one can make me!

Yes, I know you don't care. Yes, I'm going to write about it anyway.

With absolutely no basis in research, I have concluded that as a web designer, I should no longer bend over backwards to pander to users of Internet Explorer version 6. I realize that there are basically two types of people still using this antiquated browser: those who are forced to, due to their jobs at companies which will not upgrade their software--for whatever obscure reason they choose to give--and those who simply don't care.

For those who don't care, the answer is a simple one. I'm not going to waste my time trying to give them a pleasant browsing experience if they won't take the time to upgrade their software. I am including in this group the technologically unschooled who don't upgrade their browser because they don't know how. I am sure that they experience tons of other problems with their computers and probably won't even notice the difference if my websites show up looking plain and boring instead of snazzy and exciting--like they always are!! (When viewed with the appropriate technology).

For those whose employers require them to plod along with the Internet's dinosaurs, I figure that an aesthetic experience is optional. They're at work to work--not to look at pretty things.

The way I see it, as long as my websites function in IE6, they don't have to look good. Thank Microsoft for conditional comments. I'll just send a message to IE6 browsers to disable the stylesheet and alert their user that the site could look much prettier if they picked a new browser. Problem solved. In probably 5 minutes of coding time.

Things are not looking good on the graduation front.

I wrote to the program director to act pitiful and ask if maybe they really were offering Portfolio next semester, or if I could possibly make up for it with an independent study.

She hasn't written back, but I spoke to one of my classmates today who is in the exact same boat. She says she talked to the other program director, asking the same questions I did, and he basically told her she was crazy. Apparently they never offer Portfolio in the fall, and they never let you replace it with another course.

At this point I'd like to interject that if a school only offers a course once in a while, they really should make it clear when that while is. I looked in the paper catalog and online, but nowhere could I find a listing of the course rotation. How do they expect us students to make good long-term choices if we have to wing it every semester?

Looks like I'm gonna be resting on my laurels for a few months. I think I can afford one class in the interim. Designer's Survival Guide looks useful. I'm not sure if it's worth paying 2000$ for stuff that I can learn the hard way (but for free) in the School of the Real World, but I guess I have all summer to change my mind.

I remember last year, when I was thinking of deliberately taking an extra semester of classes. I guess I got what I wanted--It's just a pity I don't want it any more.