So as you all know, I'd rather die a thousand deaths (by something quick and painless but maybe not by strangulation) than make a cold call.

What I've recently rediscovered is how much I also hate incoming calls--of the business sort. I never mind receiving a personal call at almost any time of day or night, but I despise getting interrupted while I'm working by someone who wants me to work on something else. Unfortunately, many of the people I work with professionally seem to be in love with phones. I am sure this is because they don't know the Proper Way to make a phone call. I'm sure that if they did, they would finally understand what an inefficient system the telephone is, and resort to an email-only society.

Following these steps are mandatory when you are calling potential employers, potential boyfriends, and people you want to ask favors of, but it can also come in handy when you just feel like chatting with a friend. Please note that some of these steps work especially well when you are using a touch-screen cell phone, but they are equally effective with a traditional phone.

How to make a phone call

1. Pick up the phone.
2. Stare at the screen wondering if now is really an appropriate time to make this call.
3. Lie down.
4. Wonder if maybe you should wait a couple of hours.
5. Decide to do it now and turn the phone over and over in your hand trying to build up the courage to make the call. If you are calling a new number, type the numbers and skip to step 8.
   
6. Accidentally push the button for your contact list and figure now that it's open, you might as well call.
7. Scroll to the person you wish to call.
8. Stare at the screen some more, imagining all the possible scenarios that could unfold once you make the call.
9. Rehearse what you are going to say if the person answers the phone.
10. Develop some witty, confident-sounding message to leave if you get voice mail.
11. Plan ways to console yourself should your call get ignored (you can tell it's ignored because it'll only ring one or two times before it goes to voice mail, rather than the conventional five)
12. Plan ways to console yourself should the person answer but cut the call short.
13. Plan what you are going to do after the call is over, because you'll be so stressed out afterwards that you'll need a lot of structured activities to keep you from having a nervous breakdown.
14. Wonder if maybe you should just call tomorrow.
15.  Finally get the courage to call and resolutely press Send.
16. Realize that you didn't actually press Send--you pressed Edit, and you still haven't made the call.
17.  Lose the courage. Let the phone fall to your chest and press it to your heart, where, like a defibrillator, it will infuse you with new life. Or stop your pacemaker and kill you instantly.
    
18. Meditate on how being dead would definitely save you from having to make phone calls.
19. Think about all the reasons the callee could have to not want to talk to you, and conclude that you are a loser.
20. Daydream. This cannot be a daydream about actually executing a successful phone call. It has to be about something totally unrelated.
21.  Pick up the phone again and turn on the screen, which has gone black from inactivity.
22. Review all the steps you've already completed. You're really getting somewhere!
23. Decide to call tomorrow, and put down the phone, but feel so guilty about chickening out that you don't get up to do anything else.
24. Repeat steps 22 and 23 as many times as needed until you reach step 25.
25. Accidentally push Send.
26. Panic. Start sweating and double your heart rate.
27. When the callee answers, or when voice mail picks up, instantly forget everything that you planned to say.
28. Yammer some adrenaline-charged nonsense in an unnatural tone and scare the bejabers out of the person you have called.
29. Somehow manage to conclude the conversation and hang up the phone, hand shaking
30. Eat lots of chocolate. You deserve it.
    

OH MY GOSH THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I GO THROUGH EVERY TIME I HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE!!!!!! It's almost sad to know there's someone else out there like me. But actually you're better than me cause I am terrified of most personal phone calls too.

lol that's exactly what I do whenever I try to make a call. Ehh, I started sweating just thinking about it